I refuse to be the nice girl that selfish people and narcissists cling to in order to feed their never ending need of energetic codependence and power hungry desires. I refuse to allow people to take from me and benefit from it. I refuse to allow people to take from me without balancing me back and truly appreciating me. I refuse to not acknowledge my worth anymore by staying in toxic relationships and friendships that reinforce the lack of action I had in paying attention to my needs, my heart, and my mind.
Those sentences have been my declaration as of late. Do you know that saying, “Be careful what you wish for?” It’s a saying that many of us have heard of, but don’t realize the impact or power it truly holds within it. That’s because everything you see projected from your eyes is an illusion culminated by everything that creates it — including us.
The world is an outer projection of ourselves. What we ask, we shall receive in some form or another as we project and shift our reality to create it.
So when I declared to the Universe that I no longer wanted to have toxic relationships close to me anymore — the Universe delivered. Because that’s what happens. That’s what we do.
We co-create. We cultivate. We coincide with the very reality we are made from in which we project, from within.
I didn’t know that would mean saying goodbye to certain people. Saying goodbye to a fiance of 7 years. Saying goodbye to my best friend of 5 years. Saying goodbye to old past wounds and people I idealized all because of things left unfinished. I said goodbye to acquaintances, family members, and more.
I even said goodbye to aspects of myself. Aspects that were like magnets to attract people who were not healthy for me into my life. I also found out how much of an unintentional enabler I was. I encouraged the best parts of the people I wanted to help around me, but I didn’t call out the negative parts that were holding them back like I should have. My intuition rung its bell many times and I overlooked it because I was only paying attention to the potential or what they told me on the surface…even when I sensed it wasn’t true.
When you’re a very nice person who believes in the potential of everyone, it’s easy to overlook the obvious signs of unhealthy behavior. I will say that some of these people did horrible acts unto others. I didn’t know it at the time, but I watched a woman ruin a couple of men’s lives and get them fired from their jobs just because she felt they were taking advantage of her, but really, she was dealing with the guilt of her promiscuity. At the time, I believed what she told me, but in retrospect now that she’s gone — I see the bigger picture. Had I embraced the deeper undertones of her destructive behavior, I wouldn’t have encouraged her to pursue legal protection and now I worry that I contributed to an innocent man’s reputation and livelihood being tarnished.
This is how dangerous toxic people can be. I could never associate myself with someone like that ever again.
I understand that everyone is in pain to some degree — that everyone is healing and learning and unfolding within this human experience. I understand that no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes. However, I learned something else that was pretty profound about certain types of people: I don’t need to give these people the best of me. I don’t need to take care of them. I don’t need to guide every single one of them, or to give my heart to some of those in pain. I don’t need to do this for the ones that don’t want to do the work to change, when they don’t want to help themselves, and when they are narcissists who just want the attention from the drama they perpetuate.
I learned that it’s okay to be a nice person who cares deeply for others, but that I can choose better people to shower my love onto that will appreciate it.
I learned that who we surround ourselves with are truly the people that energetically influence our life. We are who we keep close to us.
And most of all, I’ve learned to appreciate other people in my life who deserved more of my time and energy but didn’t receive it because I was engulfed in the never ending black hole of those toxic relationships.
So goodbye, that chapter of my life. You evolved me greatly.